 o one wants to get divorced, and in the new economy, no one can afford to. So how are you and your spouse going to survive until the Dow recovers -- with all your limbs intact? Here at Naughty Bride HQ, we suggest it's time to reset the tone for gaming the relationship system, hacking your brain and finding the fun. And it's not just for the rest of your marriage... it's for the rest of your life.
Nevertheless, like a re-marriage in midlife, our midstream shift away from wedding etiquette represents an organizational challenge. We still host a mix of bridal content via the pretty pink menu on the left, but we also host The Naughty Bride's Secret Blog, below (subscribe here) which whispers naughty suggestions about how to keep your marriage hot (or turn around a cold one), with an occasional unfrilly take on the day's matrimonial matters. But don't trust us, check back often, because you never know what we might spring on you.
The Naughty Bride's
Secret Blog
(okay, it's a blog, not a secret,
so... pretend it's role play)
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As if members of Facebook, or shoppers at the grocery store ever needed reminding "How Do the Stars Stay So Young?" today People.com announced that our Bride of the Day Salma Hayek, 42 and Francois-Henri Pinault, 46 of the PPR luxo-goods dynasty, were wed in a Paris civil ceremony.
The Naughty Bride has to ask, does this guy look a mere four years her senior? Does managing $16.9 billion in family assets create THAT much stress? Alternatively, does a man who deals in Gucci know something we don't about Botox? Maybe it was the stress of reconciliation that has taken its toll -- according to the People blurb, they called off their engagement shortly after the birth of their daughter, and must have had some Work To Do in order to walk the aisle on Valentine's Day. In any case, The Naughty Bride salutes any marriage, especially a reconciliation where children are at stake. So to this already-blessed pair we extend our congratulations in hopes that the good wishes land on a zillion other couples like them unburdened by billions of Euros. Trying to keep the romance alive through Life With Toddler is not for the faint of heart, but serious work for the naughty-minded. So, take a NAP, little ones -- and smooches for everybody!  |
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Thanks to Digginfo for this YouTube video on animatronic robots customized to look like the bride and groom so they can greet guests at Japanese weddings. (As if there were any need for more robots at a formal Japanese occasion.)
At long last, brides can give up pretending to be the Queen and switch the job to someone who can be robotically cheerful for real and forever... while they go have a naughty good time. Go ahead, goose your uncle, get a lick of the flower girl's lollipop and let the robot say "We're so glad you could be our guest." In fact, this gives us at Naughty Bride HQ an idea for receiving lines -- all we need is guests robots, and a conveyor belt.... |
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The Bride and Groom of the Day are Lorraine Hatfield and Ron Bahr, two Down Syndrome sufferers who tied the knot over the Valentine's weekend in Palo Alto, according to this story in the Mercury News. Witnesses said that "folks with developmental disabilities... have got the love part figured out better than we do." Maybe it's the Down Syndrome, maybe it's that the bride and groom live separately. In any case, today's story shows you don't have to be out of your head to get married... but it helps.
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Eight people were beheaded in India the other day when our Bride of the Day's family asked to meet with the groom's family over the secret marriage of 21 year-old Ratan Mandel and 18 year-old Kanchan Kumari. The meeting was an ambush; they allegedly killed the groom's family, mutilated their bodies and dumped them in the river. Fifteen members of the bride's family are now sought for murder. Anyone who's been through a bad break-up can relate, but it's hard to imagine there will be anyone left on either side of this joyous new family alive and unincarcerated to enjoy the babies' birthday parties. So ya know, no smooches. |
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Our Bride of the Day is twenty year-old Afghan translator Sabra Ahmadzai, who was married for two weeks before her husband, a doctor and Major in the Indian Army, was redeployed back home. She recently flew to India from her home in Afghanistan after she hadn't heard from him in months. In India, she discovered that he was already married. She is seeking redress via the Army, for bigamy -- and hopes he'll keep her in India as his only wife, return to Afghanistan to resume their family life, or return there to divorce her properly. The BBC story has her wedding video, an elaborate affair, in which the Major Doctor, who converted to Islam for the ceremony, walks down the aisle in a natty white suit and performs all the rites -- the camera even peeks under the cover as they read their first scripture as husband and wife. The Naughty Bride is usually in favor of continuing a marriage, since it is a spiritual practice, after all, but in this case we hope he'll return to Afghanistan to make a proper divorce -- and we hope, allow her brothers to beat him to a pulp in some dark alley. Whoops, those naughty local thieves...
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The Naughty Bride Says:
Formality of wedding be damned — if you've always wanted the Full Cinderella, you can wear it to the IHOP if you like. Just be aware of the width of the space between tables so that guests will have room to pass without stepping on your hem. And stay away from the French fry machine, no matter how cute the cook is. Oil stains on satin are permanent.
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